Dear Ambiguous Don

Dear Don,

I’m a twenty-four-year-old woman and it seems like I have the worst luck in meeting eligible men. Every guy I meet is either gay or taken. How can I tell the gay and/or attached men from the straight available ones, and where can I go to find these heterosexual, eligible bachelors?

When you say you can’t tell whether or not a man you’re interested in is gay, that says to me that you’re one of two things. Either you’re too dumb to know that any man prettier than you is probably batting for the other team, or else you’re too desperate to care. Either way, it’s a problem.

Here’s an idea to help you figure it out: go and talk to these guys. If they seem interested in you, they’re probably straight. If they seem interested in where you got your shoes, probably not.

It’s the same when it comes to married men. Ask yourself a series of questions before you get all worked up. Questions like, is he wearing a wedding ring? Is he wearing clothes he obviously didn’t pick out? Is he trying to avoid going home?

If the answer to any of those is yes, then chances are he’s married. You have to realize that at a certain age, most of the good ones are going to be taken. If someone is forty-five and single there’s probably a good reason.

I can see how all this might get confusing for you, but I have a way you can eliminate some of the guess work. Call up a divorce lawyer and ask him for his client list. Sure, it’s unethical for him to give it to you, but he’s a divorce attorney. What does he know about ethics? Just give him a little cash and he’ll go along with it. That way you know going in that these guys are single and straight.

That is, unless the reason they got divorced was so they could date men, or so they could date the woman they were cheating on their wife with.

Hell, even I’m confused now. Just go hang out a strip club and wait for someone to buy you a drink.

This is from Don Frye's annual "Dear Don" column on IFL.tv Freddie Mercury and I just find it amusing that Don "Gayest MMA Mustache" Frye would help someone spot a homosexual.